So she says….
So I’m talking to my friend on YIM right now and she says to me, “I got a cramp in my ass cheek.” And I raise my eyebrow and say, “How do you get a cramp in your ass cheek?” And she says, “It just… happened. I think it’s pregnant.” So I raise my eyebrow again and say, “Your ass cheek is pregnant? With what? Turds?” And then we both crack up laughing. Ahhhhh… good time.
Memory and my childhood
So I just tried to log into my blog to write an actual blog and promptly forgot my user name. NICE! I am a dip shit, srsly. I do that often, I have so many user names and passwords everything (side note: I’ve never forgotten my user name and password for the Porn site I always go too) that I do tend to forget sometimes. Because I’m good like that. And I swear that the whole world is going to one day become, Under Name: and Password:… what do you think?
Okay so the real reason for my post, I was reading Josh’s blog, then went to Romi’s blog cause Romi is hilarious and awesome and so hilarious. Did I mention that she’s hilarious? I did? Oh okay. Moving on… Romi was talking about how some little mini chick, her words not mine, was in a posh salon getting her hair cut and how it brought out her own pissed off inner child and it made me realize, Hey! I have one of those! Totally! Then Josh left a comment about how that little mini chick could possible grow to be a crack whore do to a loveless marriage and well… go read it, it’s better then I could describe it.
Moving on… it reminded me of my own childhood and how well, we were poor. No other words could describe it other then, POOR. To be able to feed my siblings and I, my mom had to run a day care out of our house where at one time she had 14 kids plus my brother, my sister and I so that’s 17 kids in the house. Holy shit did I ever hate it but even then I understood that hey, if these bastards aren’t here and their parents aren’t paying my Mom, we don’t eat. So I barely tolerated them touching my stuff…. barely. Those little bastards being in my house also meant that we got clothes on our backs and shoes on our feet and birthday presents and Easter baskets and sometimes Valentines day candy. I remember my Dad having to ride his bike to work for awhile because his car died and there was no money to get a new one and that on Friday my Great Grandpa would come pick up my Dad and take him to the grocery store so we could eat. The one memory that will forever stick on in my head was that my parents would sometimes go hungry or not eat until they were full so my siblings and I can eat. It’s rather humbling to think about it now being almost 27 and realizing the love my parents felt for us to make sure we had enough and if they had to go without, that was okay. My parents are fucking awesome.
Once all of us kids were in school full time, my Mom got a part time job while we were at school and my Dad got raises and things went from POOR to lower middle class. Things were a bit better, Dad was able to buy a new car and we were able to not have to worry about food as much, although to this day my Dad will wait until my Mom and I have gotten our food until he will make his plate.
I made friends that were Upper class for some reason but hey, when you go to a school were grades 9 - 12 have roughly 225 kids, you make due. They were always talking about how their parents bought them this or that and how over the summer they had awesome vacations and I would get jealous or I would envy them like kids do. And then I would get asked, what did you do this summer?? And I would usually respond with, went to my cousins house and borrowed a couple hundred books to read. And then their faces would get this…. almost…. kinda like a OH look. And I would want to scream, look fuckers my parents worked their asses off all summer long so I could have new fucking shoes and new fucking school clothes so you can take your vacation to Yosemite and shove it up your ass. Heh, that angry kid is still inside there and she came out to say HI!
Then the teenage years hit and soon it was time to turn 16. And everyone knows what that means, you can legally drive all by ourselves. And these friends of mine? Well one’s mom bought a new car and GAVE her the old car, here you go honey! car on a silver platter. One’s parents bought her a BRAND NEW car, BRAND SPANKING NEW. One’s parents bought her a car about 5 years old. One’s parents gave her their 4 year old van and to this day, her family members STILL give her fucking cars. Me? What did I do you might ask? Well my dad went on 3rd shift and when he would get home, I would go to school and then when I got home from school, he would go to work. Because that’s what you do when you can’t afford two cars. Fast forward to a few years ago when I was at one of my friend’s houses having dinner and she was telling me that her Mom and her GRANDMOTHER were going to trade in THEIR cars to BUY her a brand new Santa Fe. And me, being me, raised my eyebrow and said, “You have a job, why don’t YOU buy your own car?” And she said, “I don’t make enough to buy a new car.” And I said, “Well then I guess you don’t need a new car, do you? See that car out there? I pay for that, that’s MY car.” (This was before I bought my truck, but that’s a whole different post) And man oh man you should have seen the look I got from her that day and her Mom, oh I loved her Mom’s face it was like light bulb went off over her head and guess what? She never did get that new Santa Fe. HA! Take that bitch! … Sorry.
So anyway this post did have a point, I now appreciate the things I buy with my own money. My clothes, shoes, truck, food, everything I buy I appreciate. I keep my clothes in good condition. I keep my truck in good condition. The shoes on my feet I’ve had for 2 years and they have a few good years going for them. The glasses on my face will last me a few years because I’ll take care of them. And when I pay off my debt and finally move out of my parents house and have my own stuff, well damn I’ll feel like a Queen because it will all be MINE.
I like to steal Memes… because it’s fun!
Stolen from Emerald cause she’s cool and stuff…and I’m bored and stuff… and stuff.
1. If you were to attend a costume party tonight, as what or whom would you go?
Well I’d be all cool and pull out my black velvet cape and throw on all black and put on black eyeshadow and black lipstick and be a vampire or some shit…. or is that lame? I’m going with lame.
2. What are your choice of toppings on a hamburger? And do you prefer gas or charcoal grilling?
Charcoal baby, charcoal all the way! And I’m a simple girl, cheese, bacon, lettuce, mayo, ketchup, and mustard. Yummy! Now I want a cheeseburger… damn…
3. You are chosen to have lunch with the President. The condition is you only get to ask one question. What do you ask?
So Mr. President, just how long will I go to Prison for slipping something into your drink that just might kill you??
4. It’s your first day of vacation, what are you doing?
Wandering around scoping out the best places to eat and checking out the hot men!
5. What is your concession stand must-have at the movies?
Popcorn and Coke! I must have my Coke! But the movie theaters here like to ruin my life and only have Pepsi so I usually end up getting Sierra Mist because Pepsi tastes like ASS.
6. Which do you dislike most, pop-up ads or spam email?
Pop-up ads cause I can make sure I never see spam emails but those damn pop-ups will get you each and very time.
7. What do you think Captain Hook’s name was before he had a hook for a hand?
Captain Wanks Alot
8. Rock, paper, or scissors?
Rock
9. How long was it from ‘the first date’ until the proposal of marriage?
Ummmm…. when did this happen and why didn’t anyone tell me?? Who’s my husband???
10. Which is worse, being in a place that is too loud, or too quiet?
Too loud… cause then I get sensory overload and freak out.
11. What is one quality that you really appreciate in a person?
Strength
12. At the good old general store, what particular kind of candy would you expect to be in the big jar at the counter?
Gum balls!
13. What is the most distinguishing landmark in your city?
Uh…. is it bad that the first thing that popped into my head was the Fossil Tower? Aka the old folks high rise apartments in town town?
14. Everyone hears discussions that they consider boring. What topic can put you to sleep quicker than any other?
Politics ….. it’s soooooooo boring to have to listen to someone go on and on and on about it.
15. How many times did it take you to pass your drivers test?
Hahah! Just one bitches! Cause I’m that good!
16. If you had to have the same topping on your vanilla ice cream for the rest of your life, what topping would you choose?
Mint Chocolate chips.
17. What food item would need to be removed from the market altogether in order for you to live a healthier, longer life?
Hmmmm…. I could have to say…. processed meat, like bologna… GROSS!
18. You are offered an envelope that you know contains $50. You are then told that you may either keep it or exchange it for another envelope that may contain $500 or may be empty. Do you keep the first envelope, or do you take your chances with the second?
Keep the first one, that’s ALMOST a tank of gas for my truck!
19. If you had to choose, which would you give up: cable TV, or DSL/cable internet?
cable TV seriously… dude you aren’t taking away my internets!
20. What is your highest level of education?
High school diploma baby!
21. How much is a gallon of gas in your city?
Right now it’s $3.35 a gallon
22. What kind of lunch box did you have as a kid?
For a little while I had an ALF lunch box then I just brown bagged it for awhile before I finally just bought school lunches. They were actually good!
23. What would you rather have, a nanny, a housekeeper, a cook, or a chauffeur?
Housekeeper because dude… I ain’t ever having kids, I CAN cook, and I like to drive… I just hate having to do laundry!
24. Would you rather be trapped in an elevator, or stuck in traffic?
Stuck in traffic… seriously don’t want to be trapped in a little box that could possibly plummet to the ground and kill me.
25. Lets say a brick fell on your foot, and your kid is standing right next to you, what is your ‘cleaned up’ swear word?
Son of a monkey’s Uncle Peter!!…. don’t ask, it was made up by my nephew a looooooooong time ago.
Birthdays and why this one is going to be hard for me
So it’s almost that time of year, that time of year that in the past I was so excited for. My birthday… milestones in a young girls life. Finally turning to big 1 - 0! Then 13 and finally being a teenager and ALMOST being SO close to being a woman though I had been having my period for the past 3 years. Then 16 and getting my license and finally being able to drive. Then there was 18 and finally being able to buy my own cigarettes. Then 20 and being one year closer to 21 and being able to buy my own booze, not that I drink all that much. Then 21 came and I went out to a bar!!! And drank less then half a beer because I had to drive home but still!! I want to a bar!! And I bought a beer!! And I drank it!! Then came 22… 23… 24… 25… 26… and now… 27. OMFG I’m going to be 27! on my next birthday and it’s doing weird things to me. I get a panicked feeling sometimes when I think about it. My stomach does this weird hurt thing and I think…. holy fuck! What have I done with my life!
I’ve had boyfriends but none that have been all that spectacular. I’ve been dumped… I’ve been lied too… I’ve been cheated on by guys. I’ve had awesome foreplay only to it lead to some okay sex. As of right now, I’m single and some days I love it and others it fucking sucks. Some days I think what the fuck do I need a man to fuck up my life? To want me to do things with them, to want to have some maybe okay sex, to want to met my parents, to want…. things and bring drama! But is that really fucking up my life? Or would it add to it? I’m one of those women who doesn’t need a man in her life to validate her self worth nor do I need a man to make me feel like more of a woman. I’m a woman regardless if I have a man at my side so this is a hard question.
I have a parcel of nieces and nephews, some I like, some I haven’t seen in YEARS. Some I have fun with and some I want to sting up by their toes. I love them though, they are my babies. I babysit them sometimes and they love me as much as I love them. I don’t allow them to call me Aunt Allie though because that makes me feel old and I’m not old yet, damnit! They can call me Aunt Allie when I have gray hair… uh all over and not just a few in the back. I do silly things to make them smile and they make me smile all the time with their goofy antics.
I have an okay job that really right now isn’t going anywhere fast. I make less then minimum wage and commission for bosses that could give two shits about the fact that small file sizes mean that it’s harder for their workers to, oh I don’t know… live. I’m looking for a new job, hopefully I can find one.
I’ll be 27 and I still live with my parents. That’s right… I still love with my parents. I’ve been working to get my ass out of debt. I was close then was DUMB and got another credit card and then bought a computer. Nice one, dumb ass. I think that’s one part of my problem this year, I’m 27, alone, and I still live with my parents. And I have a cat. I have a cat… I’m turning into the cat lady! Yay!! No boyfriends… not even a prospect really. In the past month I’ve bought some new clothes that I would have never worn, I’ve bought make up have actually worn it almost on a daily basis, and I’m trying to grow my nails out which is hard for a nail bitter. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe it’s because I’m getting 3 years closer to 30. Maybe it’s because I’m single. Maybe it’s because I still live with my parents. Maybe it’s because I don’t even really have a romantic prospect. Maybe it’s because I have a cat…. okay I’ve had the cat for years, it’s not because of that. I’m sure one of these days it’ll hit me and I’ll figure out why this birthday is so hard or maybe it won’t. Maybe my birthday will come and go and I won’t feel any different and we’ll be back here next year and I’ll be going through the same ole anxiety about turning a year older.
Women are classy!
Just a few snippets of a conversations between me and a good friend of mine. Now men, I’m letting you into a the secret world of what two women talk about almost on a daily basis…. you’re welcome! *Names changed to protect the innocent.*
Her: i took the BIGGEST shit today
Me: nice!
Her: lol
Her: i think i needa take another one
Me: ewwww lol
Her: lol
Me: i think i gotta shit too
Her: lol Her: i feel it
Her: its gonna go
Her: (barfing sound)
Her: but from my booty hole
:::
Me: i feel like my asshole is going to explode poop
Me: lol Me: which is gross
Me: i know
Her: my asshole hurts
Her: like i got fucked in it
Her: for 3 weeks straight
Me: i was about to ask if you had rough butt sex
Her: nope
Her: just rough shit
:::
Her: i have to take a shit
Her: i took a HUGE one b4 i came in
Me: i’ve shit probably 6 times in the past two days
Me: it’s horrible!
Her: http://www.amazon.com/Fiber-Bars-Chocolate-5-Count-Boxes/dp/B000UVN632
Her: i’ve been eating those
Me: why?
Her: cuz they’re good
Her: lol
Her: and cheaper than regular granola bars
Me: really?
Her: i love them
Me: do they help you poop?
Her: http://www.diet-blog.com/archives/2007/02/05/fiber_one_oats_and_chocolate_bar_review.php
Her: yea
Her: but not like…constantly
Me: NICE
:::
Me: I GOTTA POOP
Me: BRB
Her: K
Me: soooooo…. yeah….. DO NOT go in there…. it STINKS!
Her: LOL
Her: NICE!
Me: hahaha yeah
Pet Peeves and Being sick…
I have many pet peeves, many things that make me go from happy to annoyed as fuck in about two seconds for a few minutes then I’m done and somewhat happy again. I have pet peeves at work… I have pet peeves at home… I have pet peeves in general. Let’s examine some of them, shall we?
Pet Peeves at work:
- I can not stand to hear people chew their food when I’m at one end of the office and you are at the other. Please… try and chew quieter I don’t want to hear you crunch chips.
- If you go out for a smoke break… please do not then come to my computer and lean over me to look at my screen when you REEK of tobacco smoke and your breath is gnarly… eat a fucking tic tac… or 50.
- If you empty the water cooler… refill it.
- Exercise or something so when you are walking by me to go pee or get more food to shove in your gaping maw I don’t have to hear you pant… that’s just gross… and gives me the willies.
- Indoor voices… there is no need to yell.
- Is it really necessary to beat the shit out of the keyboard? I mean REALLY? Do you really need to type so loud that I can hear you from 4 cubicles away?
General/At Home Pet Peeves:
- Slow ass drivers, drive the fucking speed limit at least.
- After you brush your teeth, rinse out the fucking sink, it’s really not that hard.
- After one pees, is it really so hard to NOT flush the toilet? Is it really that strenuous to push down the handle? …. Seriously, that’s one thing that really pisses me off because it’s gross.
- I don’t want to hear you chew gum.
- I don’t want to hear you gulp your drinks.
- I don’t want to hear your music, it’s like nails on a chalkboard to me. You don’t look “cool” when your bass is so loud it rattles your whole car, you look ridiculous, someone needs to tell you that… or give you a ticket for being a douchebag.
So far that’s all I could think off, I’m sure there’s more and I’m sure I’ll be sharing them with you at a later date.
:::
In other news I woke up sick yesterday, sore throat, sorta runny nose and this morning when I woke up I now have a cough and gunk in my throat. I keep coughing and guzzling water so that my throat doesn’t hurt too bad cause then I’ll turn into Whiny McWhinerstein. And I have a headache. But that’s nothing new. And my legs and hips hurt but that could be from a sucky mattress or from being sick, I haven’t figured it out yet.
Hello world!
It is I! You can call me Allie or hey you or hey dumbass or… well anything your heart desires. This blog will be filled with such things as, embarrassing moments in my life… family stuff… work stuff… hopefully it will all be entertaining! Now a little bit about me, I’m 26 soon to be 27 in April! Uh… this birthday is going to be hard on me soooo there will probably be a blog about it later. I’m 5′5, uh…. stocky, and I have a raunchy sense of humor, I have 5 cats… yes 5!… and my life… well…. it’s A Work In Progress!
