A Work In Progress

So it’s almost that time of year, that time of year that in the past I was so excited for.  My birthday… milestones in a young girls life.  Finally turning to big 1 – 0!  Then 13 and finally being a teenager and ALMOST being SO close to being a woman though I had been having my period for the past 3 years.  Then 16 and getting my license and finally being able to drive.  Then there was 18 and finally being able to buy my own cigarettes.  Then 20 and being one year closer to 21 and being able to buy my own booze, not that I drink all that much.  Then 21 came and I went out to a bar!!!  And drank less then half a beer because I had to drive home but still!!  I want to a bar!!  And I bought a beer!!  And I drank it!!  Then came 22… 23… 24… 25… 26… and now… 27.  OMFG I’m going to be 27! on my next birthday and it’s doing weird things to me.  I get a panicked feeling sometimes when I think about it.  My stomach does this weird hurt thing and I think…. holy fuck!  What have I done with my life!

I’ve had boyfriends but none that have been all that spectacular.  I’ve been dumped… I’ve been lied too… I’ve been cheated on by guys.  I’ve had awesome foreplay only to it lead to some okay sex.  As of right now, I’m single and some days I love it and others it fucking sucks.  Some days I think what the fuck do I need a man to fuck up my life?  To want me to do things with them, to want to have some maybe okay sex, to want to met my parents, to want…. things and bring drama!  But is that really fucking up my life?  Or would it add to it?  I’m one of those women who doesn’t need a man in her life to validate her self worth nor do I need a man to make me feel like more of a woman.  I’m a woman regardless if I have a man at my side so this is a hard question.

I have a parcel of nieces and nephews, some I like, some I haven’t seen in YEARS.  Some I have fun with and some I want to sting up by their toes.  I love them though, they are my babies.   I babysit them sometimes and they love me as much as I love them.  I don’t allow them to call me Aunt Allie though because that makes me feel old and I’m not old yet, damnit!  They can call me Aunt Allie when I have gray hair… uh all over and not just a few in the back.  I do silly things to make them smile and they make me smile all the time with their goofy antics.

I have an okay job that really right now isn’t going anywhere fast.  I make less then minimum wage and commission for bosses that could give two shits about the fact that small file sizes mean that it’s harder for their workers to, oh I don’t know… live.  I’m looking for a new job, hopefully I can find one.

I’ll be 27 and I still live with my parents.  That’s right… I still love with my parents.  I’ve been working to get my ass out of debt.  I was close then was DUMB and got another credit card and then bought a computer.  Nice one, dumb ass.  I think that’s one part of my problem this year, I’m 27, alone, and I still live with my parents.  And I have a cat.  I have a cat… I’m turning into the cat lady!  Yay!!   No boyfriends… not even a prospect really.  In the past month I’ve bought some new clothes that I would have never worn, I’ve bought make up have actually worn it almost on a daily basis, and I’m trying to grow my nails out which is hard for a nail bitter.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  Maybe it’s because I’m getting 3 years closer to 30.  Maybe it’s because I’m single.  Maybe it’s because I still live with my parents.  Maybe it’s because I don’t even really have a romantic prospect.  Maybe it’s because I have a cat…. okay I’ve had the cat for years, it’s not because of that.  I’m sure one of these days it’ll hit me and I’ll figure out why this birthday is so hard or maybe it won’t.  Maybe my birthday will come and go and I won’t feel any different and we’ll be back here next year and I’ll be going through the same ole anxiety about turning a year older.